Setting fair consequences and boundaries is an important part of parenting, but how do you help a child when they are dysregulated, fearful, anxious, overly tired, and grumpy?
This is a question I answered in my Facebook group this week. This article contains calming techniques that help children regulate their emotions. It’s important to note that we aren’t telling children how or what to feel. We are acknowledging their right to their personal experience and simply helping them develop emotional regulatory habits that will serve them for a lifetime.
When a child is in a state of dysregulation, acknowledging the validity of their emotions and recognizing that they might stem from immaturity or misunderstanding will help you to become centered and ready to help them.
The journey of acquiring self-soothing skills is a gradual one that requires perseverance. Though young children, such as toddlers, may not fully comprehend these concepts, it is possible to start instructing them in basic techniques, such as deep breathing and the exercise of pausing and taking a breath before responding. Children are continuously developing, and it is essential to invest time and patience in assisting them in honing their emotional regulation abilities, as it will undoubtedly yield substantial benefits in the long run as they exit childhood and enter adulthood.
There is a significant proportion of adults who are driven by their emotions and act impulsively, employing strategies such as threats, intimidation, violence, and verbal aggression to achieve their goals. Such behavior manifests as a lack of emotional regulation and can be detrimental to both personal and professional life.
By fostering the development of emotional regulation skills in children, you can empower them to emerge as individuals with the maturity and fortitude to manage their emotional states effectively. It is worth noting that there are exceptions to this, such as individuals with cognitive disabilities, mental health disorders, and behavioral challenges. While these disorders are recognized, they deserve their own articles. As such, this article pertains to the general population.
Most of these techniques can be used by individuals of any age. You can also use them to help yourself calm down after being emotionally dysregulated.
Here are 7 self-soothing habits for children:
1. Deep breathing: Breathing from the diaphragm, not the top of the chest. Doing this promotes better airflow to the brain and helps the brain and to balance itself out. This can be used in any situation. Children from toddler age can learn this technique. Deep breathing releases the muscles and help the mind to center itself on the present moment.
2. Progressive muscle relaxation: Guide your child through tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups, starting with their feet and working up to their head. This can help them release tension and relax their body.
3. Visualization: Imagining the upset feelings being put into a box, locking the box and throwing it into the ocean. Help your child use their imagination to picture a peaceful place or situation. This can help them feel calmer and more relaxed.
4. Sensory play: Using play dough, water, or sand to express emotions.
5. Music: Listening to calm music, singing songs, or playing musical instruments can be a soothing activity for children.
6. Nature walks: Going for a walk in nature can be calming and grounding for both you and your child. Take in the sights and sounds of nature and allow him to explore and discover. Even just going out in the backyard to get some sunlight can help.
7. Storytelling: Encourage your child to tell stories, whether it be through words or play. This can help him make sense of their feelings and emotions.
My son's preschool teacher believed in ‘brain breaks’. This is where children get a chance to stretch their bodies, look around them, drink some water, and have a light snack. I believe we all need brain breaks, regardless of age.
When a child is dysregulated, their brain feels like it’s in a state of chaos and their bodies react to it. Often, it’s best to help them take a deep breath, have a drink of water, and get some fresh air first. This helps them to pause and take a moment to become centered. The habit of pausing before reacting will help them in adulthood when dealing with stressful life events.
A considerable number of conflicts arising from impulsive verbal outbursts between adults could be prevented by exercising restraint and pausing to reflect before reacting. It is imperative to understand that not all matters require your focus, and not all divergent opinions necessitate a response, yes, even the ones you disagree with.
It is essential to recognize that your daily mental energy reserves are limited. To reduce exhaustion and overwhelm, direct attention toward endeavors that align with your goals and aspirations rather than expending energy on trivial matters. Focus on the next step before you, not the entire mountain.
As Elsa in Frozen once said, Let it go - Let it go.
I'm Arabella Hille, mother, former teacher, parenting educator, author of the best-selling Ultimate Parenting Guide series, and founder of Victorious Parenting. My mission is to strengthen families through holistic, easy-to-apply solutions that work long-term. So that your bond, love, and growth will positively affect all that witness it. That’s how we make the future a better place than we found it. It starts at home with parent and child.