Had a bad day and it's all your kid's fault? Ever had someone blame you for 100% of the issues, when other parties, and or variables were also responsible?

The Blame Pie is a multi-purpose tool that can help both parents and children.

Children who are prone to anxiety, or depression may place excessive blame upon themselves. They can feel helpless and powerless. They can feel that everything that goes wrong around them is their fault.

The Blame Pie invites the child to create a list of things that are in their control, and things that aren't. 

i.e Mommy and Daddy fighting is not my fault. I threw a book at the wall, I'll take responsibility for that.

It places responsibility in the appropriate place and helps the child to understand that even their own responses can become a shared responsibility. 

i.e, A bully pushes and baits them until they snap and start yelling. They take responsibility for their reaction but the responsibility is also upon the bully. One single person is not 100% responsible for all the problems that arise.

This can be helpful when sibling fights arise. Use this tool to help resolve issues between them. 

Likewise, it can help parents to pause before blaming their child for 100% of the day's woes. It allows all parties to take responsibility where it's due and resolve issues in a calm manner.

Moreover, this tool can help individuals who are prone to anger, and individuals who have been at the receiving end of anger. 

You cannot fix what isn’t YOUR responsibility.

To fix problems all parties involved must come together and take responsibility for their own actions.

For example, let’s say your child is pushing you to your limits. They refuse to listen, make a mess, and throw tantrums all day long. Then you snap and scream the house down at them. (we’ve all done this).

You could say "If only YOU would do xyz, then I wouldn’t have screamed at you". But that would be placing the responsibility and the fix for it on your child’s shoulders.

It’s better to look at it from this perspective, "You’ve refused to listen to me all day. I was frustrated and screamed at you. I am sorry for screaming at you like that, it wasn’t helpful, and I shouldn’t have done it."

"However, you constantly broke the rules today and there are consequences for that (outline the rules and consequences)". "Next time you, (rule violation) this will happen (consequence)."

You can follow this up by asking them why they were behaving that way and listening to their logic so you can understand where it came from.

In this manner, you are taking responsibility for your actions only. You are not laying the blame on your child fully, you are not laying the blame on yourself fully. Doing this teaches your child to take responsibility for their own actions by demonstrating that you have the ability to do this with your actions.

This raises self-esteem. You can’t fix what isn’t your part of the problem. Likewise, your partner, friends, family, and children can’t fix what isn’t theirs. It’s a team effort.

This is called shared responsibility.

Using the Blame Pie, in conjunction with my Sphere of Control tool will help you teach your child how to take responsibility for their actions without placing the blame on them 100%.